Heart Thoughts

I look at this place and it's where my heart wants to be.  It's where I remember the feelings and emotions of looking out, seeing the Himalayan mountains, and feeling small.  And God feeling big.

Why was it so easy to see the love of Jesus in this place?

Why is it so hard to love American people who seem to have everything they could ever want?

Why does my drive to love others seem less?

Why does Jesus seem different?

I know Jesus is the same.  But to be perfectly honest, sometimes it feels like He was different over in Nepal.  He would give me so much love for other people, so much energy to give without expecting anything in return.

Now I look out over a crowd of Christians here at home and my heart begins to judge instead of love.  I doubt motives instead of testing my own.  I see pride instead of potential.  I see sinners instead of a Savior.

Now I have to ask myself the question "Who changed?  God, or me?"

God doesn't change.  I stake my life on that fact.  

So then it's me.  I realize I've let circumstances change my view of God.  I've let busyness crowd out the quiet and I've let my own pride stand in the way of Jesus having His way in my heart.

So my daily reminder is this - Seek Jesus.

Seek Jesus and listen.
It takes a daily commitment.  Daily saying yes to Jesus; seeking Him.
He longs to pour His love over my soul and watch it bubble over into the lives of others.  He's waiting for me to humble myself before Him and forget about myself.  He is the same.

It's focusing on the unseen things that creates visible change.

Love never fails and God's love never changes.

Community

We met in the Chicago airport for the first time. 

{Kristal's first flight was cancelled so she isn't in this first picture}

I prayed for team unity, blogged about it, wrote it on my prayer cards and penned it into my journal countless times.  And let me tell you - God answers prayer!

Only God knew how close we would become, how much He would use these girls to shape my life and the tight bond we would share together as we experienced life in Nepal for six weeks.

Note: the guy you'll see in quite a few of these photos wasn't actually on our team.  He was an intern for our organization, and was able to #tagalong with us for several trips and experiences.  He was a blessing in so many ways (i.e. fixing toilets, hauling luggage and squashing bugs).

You couldn't have chosen nine more different girls, even if you'd tried!  Honestly, we were a unique bunch, joined and unified by a love for Jesus, and the fact that Carly had picked us (with the Holy Spirit as her guide of course).

It wasn't easy.  The first couple days/week was fun.  We dove in headfirst sharing fun facts, stories and all sorts of things about us.  Then thing got a bit harder.  Time progressed and our circumstances only become more uncomfortable.  We had a choice.  Press in or pull out.

Our leader encouraged us to be vulnerable and transparent, simple at first, but then three weeks flew past and I got tired.  I was frustrated with feelings and emotions from the daily life in Nepal.  I didn't know if they would understand.  I was scared they would judge me, think my feelings were crazy. 

Our differences could have built walls and barriers but instead Jesus used them to compliment our personalities, and our team became stronger.  

We were the body of Christ, equipped by Him for His purposes.  

Strengths overcame weaknesses and Jesus was glorified.

Several times a day we would spend time in prayer for each other, our mission and the people we came in contact with.  We shared our testimonies, our hearts and our struggles.

When I was weak and discouraged, they came alongside of me and gave encouragement and strength.

I had only just met these girls and had done nothing substantial for them, no favors or tasks, yet I was their friend and they loved me - they loved me like Jesus, fully and freely.

I began to understand what true community was supposed to be like.  Broken people joining together to love Jesus.

True community is being real.  The kind of real that opens up your heart to love and pain.  The kind of real that doesn't hide behind a mask of fake happiness.  The kind of real that extends grace when you fall and love when you fail them.  The kind of real that points out the good and forgives the bad.  The kind of real you get when nine girls press into Jesus, each other and the uncomfortable around them.

It was hard and several times I wanted to withdraw not wanting to go there, not wanting parts of my heart to be brought into the light.  But when Jesus finally won and I spilled my guts, it was met with love, grace and understanding.

I had to admit I was wrong, ask for forgiveness and learn to forgive.

But with every experience our team grew closer.

Community is worth fighting for!

These girls.  I love them.

And now I miss them something fierce.

Home

Home.

If "Home is where the heart is" where is home these days?
Nepal?  Nebraska?  Lancaster?

Who knew my heart could be so torn and confused
Who knew the question "so, how was Nepal?" would be so difficult to answer
Who knew that when I scroll through pictures it makes me want to cry - for several reasons
Who knew coming back to America would be so challenging
Who knew the "pressing into the uncomfortable" wouldn't end with Nepal
Who knew little smiles, hands, faces, children would clamp a grip of steel on my heart
Who knew I would miss my team something fierce

God knew.  God knows.

These emotions and thoughts aren't new to Him.  They didn't catch Him by surprise.

This week Jesus has been reminding me, through songs and prayer, to climb up on the Rock, that is Himself.  Climb up above the churning waters of life, of America, of complicated emotions, and rest in Him; let His love soak my soul.  Such comfort and deep peace there is at the feet of Jesus.

So friends, I can't wait to share pictures, and stories.  They will come, I promise.  I literally just finished sorting through 3,000 pictures, and have narrowed it down to less then 1,000.  Woot, woot!

I hope to be real, to share the happiness and the hurt, the joy and the sadness, the easy and the hard. I'm excited to give you a glimpse of Nepal.  A place where the light shines brightly in the middle of deep darkness.  A place where Jesus met me in my brokenness and changed my heart and spoke beautiful things to my soul.  A place where I saw Jesus all around me.

Bruised shins and a happy heart

Who cares if the sun is beating down and the air is thick enough to swim in... when a handful of young Nepali boys ask you if "you want to play futsal?", you don't say no.

Each children's home we visited was filled with love and... children.  The house parents, a Nepali couple, often with children of their own, take in around a dozen children and raise them as their own.  From the streets, or about to end up there, these children are given a home, full bellies, a family to love them and most importantly an opportunity to learn about Jesus and live for Him. 

The health and life that radiates from their little faces are precious and fill my own heart with joy.  As a part of this trip we have had the opportunity to visit several of the THI homes.  Bringing games and fresh faces we play with the kids, encourage the parents and pray truth and blessing over the house and family.

I've never been a soccer player, nor have ever had the desire to develop that skill.  Until now.

The sweat literally poured off my face as I ran up and down the field for an hour.  The boys were quick and I was slow.  They were talented and I had hardly ever played in shoes, let alone barefoot through cowpies.  But to see the joy on their faces as they kicked the ball straight through my legs, or scored an easy goal, it was worth it.

My shins were bruised, my toes ached, but my heart was happy.

Birthday: Nepali style

My team (+ 2) is awesome!

They loved on me and made my birthday so special!

Surprises, encouragements, gifts, pool party, lots of hugs, enthusiastic singing... I am so grateful to each of them!

Nepal does have some special birthday traditions that I gladly incorporated into my day.

On Monday, my birthday, we began a week long kids educational camp at a partnering school.  Bringing candy to all the students is a local tradition - and the kids were happy someone informed me ahead of time of this special sweet treat.

After school we headed to a very American looking pool at a hotel.  A double chocolate cake awaited me, with my picture on the front; candles blazing.  They strapped a birthday hat on my head and sang yet again.

Nepali tradition #2: feed all your friends cake.  Didn't think I would every feed people cake before my wedding reception... but it happened on my birthday.  And I was nice, for the most part.

Pizza, french fries and cake were enjoyed all around.  The evening commenced with games, encouragement and laughter.

I was a little sad my birthday was going to be overseas away from all my family and friends - birthdays are seriously my favorite time of year - but my new team stepped up and what a wonderful birthday to remember forever!

Of course I miss my family and friends... but you all crowded my phone/Facebook with loving notes.  Thank you.

I love you all!

When Loving Hurts

The waterfall crashed with deafening sounds just inches from my feet. The cool air blew my hair and the fresh spray coated me in a delightful coolness. I was on a rock, a solid rock. I felt safe and loved. Loved by Jesus. 

All week He had been showing up in real ways, giving me a heart for people, giving me His love for those around me. And the waterfalls pressed me deeper into His power and love. 

I felt alive. 

This view took my breath away. 

Dancing through the water. Singing, praying, feeling God's love literally wash over me. It was beautiful. 

Fast forward to the evening. I sat in a crowded hotel room with my team. I watched the computer screen and my heart was broken. A short video visualized trafficking in a way that made my stomach curl. I had read about the horrors of the sex trade, watched documentaries, etc. but being in this country, visiting the border, seeing innocent girls, talking with the experts...Something broke within me. It became real and I was horrified. God had changed my heart and opened my eyes to see the world through His view. I had felt the love, and now I was feeling the hurt. 

The pain. The ache. It was/is real. 

In the morning while I felt fully alive, dancing in the love of Jesus... a girl was just begging to die, not even knowing such joy is even possible. 

My heart was conflicted. So much pain. 

I was unsure of how to feel. I wanted to feel God's love and prayed for my heart to be opened. And once again I realized that pain accompanies love. It's not all smiles. Yet the hurt can stifle my heart, or drive me to action, to prayer, to love everyone around me with the same love I feel from God. 

God allowed me to feel His pleasure so I could then love with His power. 

 What now? What do I do with these intense emotions? 

There is nothing I can do but seek the face of God, surrender my life to Him and let His love pour out of me like a waterfall.

 

Hard Work and Real Love

I knew it would be hard work.  My backpack was light, only one pair of work clothes and the bare essentials.  I knew the work would be challenging, but I didn't realize the incredible beauty I would encounter on our four day trip to the village.

Set in the Himalayan foothills, this village had been heavily impacted by the earthquake.  As we jolted up the trail/road in a trailer, behind a tractor, I was caught off guard by the immense beauty all around me. 

The ministry we were working with had began a relationship with this particular village pre earthquake, and their relationship has only deepened.  The love of Jesus literally flows from the ministry campsite.  Visitors come constantly for prayer and love.  Children wander up for attention and more love.  The village knowns this site is different, they feel the love of Jesus.

Our days were simple: 

wake up from our tin open-air tent/shack

sip tea and gaze at the splendor of the hills

eat dal bhat at 9am

hike an hour to the worksite

work for 6 hours

sweat, sweat and more sweat

hike back to camp

eat dal baht

love people

go to sleep at 8:15pm

The work included tearing down ruined houses, moving rocks, digging for household items, playing with village children, pushing down walls, pick-axing the rubble for larger rocks and doing whatever else the villagers had in mind.

The sight of broken houses, collapsed roofs and ruined homes impacted my heart forever.  Yet by pulling down the homes and doing the demolition work we were inspiring the people and giving them hope.  They, in turn, found the strength to rebuild and start over.

Physically it was challenging.  The work was hard, the sun was hot, and my skin quite sunburned after the first day.  Water and a bucket was the only shower available to us.  The smells arises from our sleeping quarters were quite bad, to put it simply.

Yet I felt and saw a raw love.  Once again, Jesus was everywhere.  A man came for prayer and was healed of stomach pain and asthma, he is so close to knowing Jesus.  A woman couldn't move her shoulder so we laid hands on her and prayed to our Healer - full shoulder rotation was the result of God's Spirit moving.  

We didn't hardly need to go out, the people came.  Attracted to the love and the power of Jesus, this simple village will never be the same.  Lives are being changed forever, for Jesus.

Picture post!

Enjoy some pictures!! 

First night in the five14 guest house. 

Children's home games. 

Bouda Stupa

This elderly woman was filled with so much joy and love for Jesus. 

A quick stop at this bridge on the way to the border. 

More to come!!

Banquet House

We had been briefed with a few details, but I still didn't know what to expect. The poor, sick and hungry would gather to receive food, love and prayer. I prayed that Jesus would give me His heart and eyes.  

We wound through the city and ended up in a small open building/space. Several smaller rooms housed a tiny clinic and "kitchen".  We were introduced to the staff and given simple instructions "love, just love these people like Jesus."

What followed was beautiful. 

I knelt down next to two young boys and smiled. In broken Nepali I asked their names and told them mine. They taught me a game played with fingers. We laughed and my heart loved without reserve. I prayed for them, and felt the love and presence of Jesus. 

Next, I paused. The room was crowded with men of all kinds, from all different places and with all different looks. Do I randomly say hello? Do I try to find an empty seat to sit down? What do I say? How do I act? And then my heart felt Jesus and all I saw was Jesus and heard these words in my heart.

"If you've done it unto the least of these you've done it unto Me." 

I looked around, and everywhere I looked I saw Jesus. The sores, the smells.. It all faded and I felt a peace and light around me like never before. 

Who cares if they thought I was crazy, I wanted to talk to every person and pray for them and touch them with Jesus. I'm sure most of the time they didn't understand me, and I sure didn't understand them... But they taught me Nepali words and laughed at my blundering attempts. I chatted in English and prayed over them and they smiled. Sometimes I just sat, words weren't needed. Jesus doesn't need words to give love. 

I wish I could describe the joy in my heart. The privilege I felt to be in that room. That word - privilege - kept coming to mind. What a blessing to be able to serve Jesus. 

The food was done cooking and we began to pass out plates. I walked passed the speakers and heard these words break through the air;

"My God is greater, my God is stronger..."

Tears filled my eyes as truth soaked my soul. God is bigger than the suffering. God is bigger than the poverty. God is bigger than the hurt. 

My God is Greater. 

"He brought me to His banquet table and His banner over me is love."

In Jesus there is Hope

We began to walk around the Budda Stupa, the opposite way as is customary. Chants, prayers and incense fill the air. Bowed heads, hands touching the prayer wheels and hearts longing for forgiveness, peace and life. 

A spirit of heaviness was evident and spiritual darkness was all around. Breaking into teams of two, my team began to pray against the darkness, begging God to use us to shine true light. Our team leader had one simple instruction for us - "follow the Holy Spirit and allow Him to direct your prayers and actions."

Crowds of people walk clockwise, circumnavigating the Stupa three times. Courtney and I walked the path counterclockwise, praying for these beautiful people, so lost, yet dear to the heart of God. 

We stopped to pray for an elderly lady. 

An old man with a prosthetic leg was put on our hearts. We prayed blessings and healing and that he would come to know Jesus - something changed as we proclaimed the name of Jesus. 

A tour guide greeted us and spoke English well. He offered to share his knowledge of the Stupa. We confessed we couldn't pay him, to which he responded "your happiness is my reward." For the next 10 mins he shared about Buddhism, and I shared about Christianity - and how they compare. We had to cut it short, and as I shook his hand I said "I will pray that you come to know Jesus!"

Will you join me? Join me in praying that God would reveal Himself to this tour guide.

We left, with hearts heavy yet full of God's faithfulness. We are simply to obey Jesus, plant the seeds of the gospel and pray - He will be faithful to finish the work. 

"Put your hope in God, for I will yet prose Him, my savior and my God." Psalm 42:5b